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artanisiaOkay, whoa, this is difficult.
See, more than two years ago, when I hit rock bottom with my depression I more or less absenteed (is that a word?) myself from all those friends who hadn't already dropped me like a hot potato "because I wasn't fun to be around anymore."
I crawled into that tiny dark place inside myself and didn't want to get dragged out by anyone. I felt dead to myself, and to the world in general. Nothing I did, or experienced triggered any real reaction anymore. No fun, no joy, no anger. All those things I had enjoyed and about which I had been so passionate? Blah. Let the world end. I don't care.
I am so glad that lies behind me. Thankful that there were doctors and social workers who took what was left of me and put it together again with medication and therapy. I am still not my old self again. But the me I am today can be enthusiastic again. Can experience joy again. I still have spells of despair but I know how to handle them, and I know that they will go away.
One thing my former self was all over was fandom. Something I thought was lost to me, because no matter how good I felt again, I wasn't able to muster the amount of enthusiasm necessary to delve into a fandom. Until now.
I don't just like this silly game a lot, I am bursting at the seams with ideas for fanfiction. I am squeeing when I read the well written fiction of others, or see what great art they create. And for me, that is a great, honking, big deal. I have reclaimed another shard of myself. Maybe, one day in the future, I will be whole again.
See, more than two years ago, when I hit rock bottom with my depression I more or less absenteed (is that a word?) myself from all those friends who hadn't already dropped me like a hot potato "because I wasn't fun to be around anymore."
I crawled into that tiny dark place inside myself and didn't want to get dragged out by anyone. I felt dead to myself, and to the world in general. Nothing I did, or experienced triggered any real reaction anymore. No fun, no joy, no anger. All those things I had enjoyed and about which I had been so passionate? Blah. Let the world end. I don't care.
I am so glad that lies behind me. Thankful that there were doctors and social workers who took what was left of me and put it together again with medication and therapy. I am still not my old self again. But the me I am today can be enthusiastic again. Can experience joy again. I still have spells of despair but I know how to handle them, and I know that they will go away.
One thing my former self was all over was fandom. Something I thought was lost to me, because no matter how good I felt again, I wasn't able to muster the amount of enthusiasm necessary to delve into a fandom. Until now.
I don't just like this silly game a lot, I am bursting at the seams with ideas for fanfiction. I am squeeing when I read the well written fiction of others, or see what great art they create. And for me, that is a great, honking, big deal. I have reclaimed another shard of myself. Maybe, one day in the future, I will be whole again.
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Date: 2011-04-15 08:16 pm (UTC)*püschelschwing* :-D
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Date: 2011-04-15 09:44 pm (UTC)Danke! Fühlt sich gut an.